Looks like I am keeping up on my New Years Resolution of writing everyday….NOT! <—– Do you remember when it was cool to say that? I still think it is cool. Life has been a little crazy, and I have had somewhat of a challenge making myself sit down and write. Today though, I have a heavy heart and mind. It is for sure one of those unexpected moments with a flood of emotion. I am usually so damn busy with work, kids, and whatever else it is I do, that I don’t have time to sit and think. Today, my brain isn’t giving me an option though. Back in November, Jake and I took a trip to New Orleans. One of my favorite cities of all time. It was just the two of us. We can make it if we try, just the two of us….You and I. A little Will Smith action for ya! Sorry..side track Sally over here! Anyway, we somehow managed to talk grandparents in to watching the girls for us while we went on a short trip. We had a great time while we were there, up until the last night.
You see, my mom had been sick for a long time…and when I say sick, I mean mentally. She struggled. Day in and day out. About things that I can’t even begin to understand. Because of her mental state, she self medicated. She could always talk the doctor into just about anything. If it gave her a head change, she had an ailment to get the prescription. There is a name for those kind of people, but I don’t know it. She was my Mom, and that is what I called her…Mom. She loved me and loved my brother more than life itself. Growing up, she did the best she could to make sue we had what we needed. I wouldn’t say I had the best growing up experiences, but I never felt unloved. The older I got, the more she checked out. Any time my brother or I would try to talk to her about her situations she would turn it around somehow and make it like we were the problem…Like we were making this shit up. My brother had to take her to rehab several times, but you can’t change unless you want to change…key word being YOU. My mom watched Lili as a baby until Lili was 2.5. It killed my mom that I put her in daycare, but it was something I had to do. My mom did a good job with Lili, and I give her a lot of credit for Lili being so smart today. She was very involved with Lili. She ADORED her. Then I got married and had another baby. Busy body Davey! I took Davey to work with me for about 13 months. then I had a breakdown and decided that I couldn’t do it anymore and that I needed help. Mom to the rescue! I was unsure about this because like I said before, the older I got, the more she checked out. I kept in close contact with my brother, who was living with her at the time, to make sure that she was capable….well mentally stable enough to have this responsibility. He thought that she was ok and that it might actually help her, so we agreed that she would come over three days a week to watch Davey. She always showed up on time and never complained about what time I was able to come home from work. Davey was well cared for. This had been going on for about 3 or 4 months. Over this time period, Jake and I had been noticing a huge difference in her appearance, and were starting to research mother’s day out programs close by that Davey could attend. I had even called a few to find out their waiting list situation. I had not at this time said a word to my mom, because I didn’t want it to be my fault if she did anything stupid. Then it came time for our New Orleans trip, and I just had planned on saying something to her when we got back…
We left for New Orleans on Monday morning. We took a flight out of Dallas because it was ridiculously cheaper. Yes, we had to drive 3 hours, but gas and airport parking were only a fraction of the price to fly out of OKC. We arrived in New Orleans around dinner time on Monday evening. We booked a hotel for that night through the hotel tonight ap, which saves you a lot of money.. We ate chargrilled oysters at Acme and walked around some and then called it a night. Tuesday, I can’t even remember what we did, but it was fun! Wednesday was the best day we have had in New Orleans out of the 4 or 5 times we have been. We went to breakfast at this hole in the wall place off the beaten path…We met our friend Andrew to tour the St. Louis Cemetery.. We walked through a catholic church.. We took the street car to Autobahn Park then proceeded to take ourselves on a tour of Tulane University. After that, we went to magazine street and ate a really late lunch at some po’boy place… drank a few beers…walked through the Fresh Market, and then went back to rest before our big night at Preservation Hall. We had been looking forward to Preservation Hall for I don’t even know how long. We get in and take our seats..yes we got seats because we pre purchased our tickets. Otherwise it is standing room only… I was able to snap a few pictures before they asked us to turn off our ringers and don’t take pictures or record…just enjoy the show. So that is what I did! If I don’t have my children with me, I am always very attached to my phone in case of an emergency, so my phone was in my lap. About 10 minutes in, my brother calls. I panic and think one of two things…Oh shit, or what crazy question is he going to have for me? I text him and let him know that I can’t answer but still ask if everything is ok. He responds with “no, call me now” well shit Shane, I can’t…I just sat down in a jazz hall and they specifically said, “do not get up unless it is between songs”. Mom is fucking dead. I need you to call me. Wow, ok…I showed it to Jake as my heart fell to the floor. I had no choice. I had to call my brother to see what in the world was going on. I pushed my way through a not so pleased group of patrons to make the dreaded phone call. No answer. WTF. Call again. Voicemail. Text- Shane answer the effing phone. Finally, we connect. EMSA had already been called and had been working on her for 10 minutes. There was almost nothing else they could do. My head was spinning. My emotions were in full swing. I couldn’t be there to cry on my brother’s shoulder or comfort him. PANIC. We rushed back to the hotel, and on the way I called my aunt to go be there with him. It was almost 10:00 PM and there were no flights to get me to my brother and my dead mom. I felt so helpless. Even though me being there wouldn’t change a thing…I couldn’t bring her back. I attempted sleep, although I got none. We took the red-eye and made it back to Dallas at around 7:30 am and then to OKC by 11. Crazy. Messed up. Sad. Drained. Numb. I didn’t know what to feel. I had questions. I felt some guilt. All at the same time, I knew she was in a better place. How lucky she was to enter into the Kingdom of God.
It has been a roller coaster ever since. Most days, I am ok. Other days, I replay that night over and over. It is very strange to me still, and more than likely will continue to be for some time. Death is never easy. Not even when you expect it. We expected this to happen for some time, but didn’t think it would happen so soon. Every time my brother would call, I would almost hold my breath until I realized that everything was ok. That one time though…it wasn’t. Expect the unexpected. Life is too short to not get along with those you love. Make it work. Not once did I give up on my mom. Not once did I not answer the phone when she called…I may have “had to go because you are slurring” but I always told her I loved her. ALWAYS. Grow up. Get along. Practice love. Make peace. Kiss and make up. Tell others how you feel. Live life today. Forgive. Don’t wait until it is too late.
Mountain Boomer Mama 